Okay, here’s the setup: A friend of mine posted a message on his Facebook page about his son’s super expensive hockey visor that keeps cracking and how the Company, Reebok, refuses to stand behind their product. I’m in black, “Ronald” is in purple, and “Alan” is in lime.
As I do with most fucked up situations, I made light of it. Here’s what I said:
See, the problem with you overprotective types is that you don't seem to understand that scars build character. Plus it'll probably help him get laid when he's older...
"So uh, what happened to your face?"
"Oh, this? I sometimes forget that it's there. I got it playing hockey."
"Take me. Take me now."And scene!
That apparently struck a chord. First there was a comment about how scars do in fact help one score chicks. And then this:
Leonard!!! I don't know who you are, but your ear for dialogue is pitch perfect. I'd like to see that scene expanded into a feature.
Brilliant? I dare say so.
Yes, brilliant! And I swear I’m not making that up.
This is what followed. I’ve changed names (and put quotes around them), just because most folks don’t like it being publicly known that they know me…
“Ronald”, you are too kind sir. I've already got it all planned out. I see Zac Efron playing “Henry”, or possibly someone a little edgier like Robert Pattinson (either one guarantees a huge opening weekend). The girls (plural, as I see the scene repeating a good 14 times, and yes “Alan”, that number was deliberate) will be played by a string of former Mouseketeer's trying to shed their squeaky clean image. In the end though he realizes that true love has been right in front of him the whole time. It's his best friend, the girl next door who never missed a single one of his games. She will be played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead. It goes on to sweep every category in the Teen Choice Awards and gets the win for best kiss at the MTV Movie Awards. The kiss was between the “Henry” character and the Patrice Lacroix character (the French Canadian exchange student). Patrice is the goalie on “Henry's” team and the kiss comes after Patrice makes a huge save in the closing seconds of the game to win it. See, “Henry” had given up the puck in the neutral zone because he was distracted by his female fans in the stands, which lead to the breakaway. When Patrice made the save and the buzzer sounded, “Henry” was so relieved that his blunder didn't cost his team the game by forcing a sudden death overtime, it was the State Championship afterall, that he plants one on Patrice. But don't worry, it's a facemask on facemask kiss, which audiences across the globe find adorable.
Roll credits...
Insert post credits teaser scene hinting at a sequel...
Or a prequel...I haven't worked all the kinks out yet.
The reference to the number 14 is that it’s “Alan’s” jersey number that he wears as a result of his Man Crush (article coming soon) on Brendan Shanahan.
or 
Never have I felt as masculine as while googling the above images. The following one more than made up for that however.
“Alan’s” friend “Ronald” responded with this:
Leonard [that’s Lenny to you all]!! WTF!!! I can tell that the academy award you win for your brilliant picture will not be your first. I am absolutely sure you have a mantle full of them. I wouldn't worry too much about ironing out the kinks. You obviously relate to this project on such an organic level that I am even wondering if a script is necessary. You're so dialed in that I say you just grab a camera and start rolling. I noticed you have not yet cast the part of “Alan”, the over-protective father who likes to complain a lot. If I may, I'd like to suggest Haing S. Ngor, who played Dith Pran in The Killing Fields 25 years ago. I know it's not the obvious choice, but this is “Alan” we are talking about.
Haing:
I went into further detail:
I don't do it for the awards, I do it for the art. And as for the “Alan” role, I was thinking Ed Asner. But after Up, we probably couldn't afford him. So then, talk about not the obvious choice, I was thinking we make “Henry” adopted and have Tyler Perry in a dual role as both “Alan” and “Doris”. This opens up a whole new demographic and thus quadruple's the box office. Oh, and then to pander to the Latin audience we cast Salma Hayek as the Home Ec. teacher who gets a crash course in hockey when she has to take over as head coach when the real head coach accepts the head coaching job at the rival school, in the middle of the season, taking all the assistant coaches with him. We'll have a montage of her watching Slapshot, Youngblood, Mystery, Alaska, The Cutting Edge, Miracle, Just Friends, and The Mighty Ducks movies. She ends up throwing out all the rules by likening hockey to baking a cake..."it just won't taste right without all the right ingredients" etc. For the Asians viewers...Lucy Liu will play a single mom whose son is hiding the fact that he's on the team because she wants him to focus on his studies so he can become a doctor. For the GLBT community, “Henry” comes to the defense of an out but not flamboyant (we try to steer clear of the stereotypes) gay teammate who is being ostracized by the rest of the team because of his orientation. I'm still working on a title though.
Those possible additions to the cast:
I went on to say:
Or possibly, now hear me out, Patrice is the gay teammate, whose game winning save wins over the rest of the team and makes him just one of the guys. Plus “Henry's” facemask kiss with him, adds depth to his [“Henry’s”] character because it shows that he doesn't care what people think.
“Ronald” answered thusly:
Leonard, let me start by saying that it is crystal clear that you, my friend, are an artist. That's why you will win all the awards, because you don't pander. While I have to admit my inclination is to just stand back and watch you create, I feel like you are reaching out to me for script notes, so I won't deny you. In the end, art is always a collaborative process.
Let me start by saying I love “Henry's” character arc. At first he is a sissy with a broken mask, both literally and figuratively. Then, when the metaphorical and actual mask is removed he comes into his own and sees things for what they really are. Hockey is a cake with many ingredients and his omnisexual love for the goalie is the frosting.
I feel like you are trying to include every possible ethnic group so that our domestic revenue pales in comparison to our international take. Here are some thoughts to expand on that:
Jackie Chan as the hockey teams trainer and nutritionist.....
“Alan” took offense to something “Ronald” just said:
While you guys are obviously a couple of smart Jew boys who missed their calling of writing for The Larry Sanders Show..... Call my son an omnisexual again and I'm going to have to kick both your asses as much as I love you both!
How I got lumped into the ass kicking “Alan” was about to dish out is beyond me, but that’s white folks for you I suppose.
“Ronald” continued:
He [Jackie Chan] has to keep coming up with inventive ways to hide the tofu in the meals he prepares for the team.
Then I'd like to see any actor with the last name Patel. This should appeal to all those who loved Slumdog Millionaire.
And, of course, Nia Vardalos as the single mom of the gay goalie. She has a heart of gold and is desperately looking for her soulmate, who, it turns out, is right there under her nose in the form of “Henry's” absurdly hairy power skating coach. This should pull in all the romantic saps as well as post menopausal women.
Lastly, I like Rade Serbedzija as the salty, Eastern-European zamboni driver who it turns out was an assistant coach for those great Red Army teams of the 70's. He taught Hayek some old-school training techniques and we can have a montage like the barn scene in Rocky III.
More actors to perhaps round out our cast:
“Alan” felt it necessary to clarify his last comment:
Unless of course he gets to lose his virginity to Miley Cyrus, Miranda Cosgrove or Ashley Tisdale. Then all is forgiven.
This is what that particular trifecta looks like (these will be deleted from my hard drive the moment this post goes live):
How “Alan”, a man in his early 40’s had these three names so readily at his disposal, is really more a question for “Doris”. He’s my friend, who am I to judge? But since we’re talking about it, dude, “Alan” seriously, what the fuck is up with that? I know you’re reading this.
And then “Alan” continues to live vicariously:
or all three in the gang bang scene.
Then “Ronald” explains the meaning behind his earlier comments:
First off, I did not and would never describe the obviously hetero “Henry” as omnisexual. I said he had omnisexual love for the goalie. I just meant that his heart is a big tent with room for everyone. Not unlike Ghandi. So if you have a problem with that, take it up with India.
OH SNAP!!! Is “Alan” ‘bout to throw down with India? Be forewarned, those dudes roll deep. Realllll deep.
“Ronald” sees “Alan’s” newest comment and pounces:
A gang bang? There goes a G or PG-13 out the window. Has there ever been an NC-17 rating for a teen comedy?
But he’s not alone, I jump in on that one as well:
Leave it to “Alan Silverberg” to class the joint up! And while we're at it, maybe Wall-E should have ended with Wall-E inserting his thumb drive into Eve's USB port? Get your mind out of the gutter buddy. The most I'll give you is some above the sweater petting, shot tastefully through some bushes with a telephoto lens.
I guess “Alan” liked that idea:
LOL
Then I get around to answering “Ronald”:
“Ronald”, love the Jackie Chan character. The Patel character will be the yoga instructor that Chan brings on board to help the team with their flexibility.
And actually thinking about it, maybe the goalie isn't the gay one. We of course still have a gay player, but it's not the goalie, the goalie’s straight, but everyone thinks he's gay because of the accent and his name.
And as for Vardalos, I envisioned Patrice living with a host family and his parents still being in Canada, so Vardalos I'm thinking would be in a whole separate movie that parallels this first one, so it wouldn't exactly be a sequel.
Rade's a keeper though, for sure.
Next “Ronald” gets a little nostalgic:
It's strange to think about it now, but the seed that sprouted into this second coming of Audrey II (the plant from Little Hop of Horrors) was “Alan's” cry for help over a hockey visor.
The origins of great art are truly a mystery.
And I get offended:
“Ronald”, for the first time in our brief but magical time together, I am offended. Why am I offended? I am offended that you felt the need to clarify Audrey II for me.
“Ronald” clears up the confusion:
Leonard, please know that the clarification was not for you, but for “Alan”. It is clear your knowledge of movies is vast and deep. But I, myself, had to go to imdb.com to find the name of the plant. So I assumed “Alan” would too. And since he has decided to insert himself into our otherworldly collaboration and throw his weight around making lewd demands, I felt I should make sure we all understand what we were talking about before he suggests that Sasha Grey plays the hockey coach who gets hired after blackmailing the league commissioner into making her coach after an amazing GFE.
And this is Sasha Gray (twas not easy finding a SFW photo):
“Ronald’s” inspired:
Here is my first suggestion for a title - Love Scars.
And “Alan’s” insipid:
I'm just hanging in the shadows waiting for someone to use the term 'MILF'
I call “Alan” out on that one:
You see “Alan”, it's comments like that, and your total lack of professionalism...I was gonna be a peach and help you resurrect your acting career by giving you a line in the film, but with your mind in gutter as it is, I'm afraid I wouldn't want to risk you making my stars uncomfortable.
The line about the acting career? Well, my friend “Alan” was once upon a time ago in a flick called Party Camp, which, mark my words, I will get my hands on a copy of even if it’s the last thing I do. But anyway…
Come on now…who wouldn’t want to go see Love Scars (working title)?!?!???!!
- Lenny
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