I hate douche bags. Their antics tend to make it a lot harder for the rest of us guys to touch a boob.
So as public service, when I come across something that smells of vinegar, I will be calling it out here in the pages of APFL in a new column called “douche’d”. Welcome to the first installment.
As a disclaimer, I don’t know how many, if any, of these videos are staged and are done with the girls cooperation. Several of the guys and girls in these look similar, and very well may be the same people, but I didn’t bother looking into usernames, or reading the comments, etc. At any rate, all the videos look like they could be authentic, and even if they’re not, the very fact that these guys think this shit is funny speaks volumes.
But before I get to the heart of it, I’d like to show you what sparked my need to write about these Break.com videos. I’m not sure what brought me to Break this visit, but when I saw “Hot Girl T-Shirt prank”, I naturally had to click on it. This is what I got:
Hot Girl T-Shirt Prank - Watch more Funny Videos
So this particular D-bag thinks it’s funny to dump a tub of water on his girl, and then replay it in slo-mo, cause he thinks he’s just that clever. The worst part is his asinine taunts as she proceeds with the yard work after being drenched.
Break.com has a “related videos” section and thusly, “Hot Girl T-Shirt Prank” brought up other pranks. At that point I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, not only do these “pranks” exist, but there are so many of them.
Granted, some of these are decidedly tamer than the worst of them, but a douche is a douche is a douche is a douche…
This next one is similar to the first, but it’s based on a non douche prank, so I’m putting it up along with it’s inspiration as a matter of comparison. The douche prank:
Hot Chick Pranked By Boyfriend - Watch more Funny Videos
Care to venture what the “D.” in Johnny D. stands for? Her “why” at the end is tragic. Sweetie, nobody knows what motivates a douche, much like cancer, they just are.
And now a video of what this prank was trying to emulate. I don’t feel that this prank in and of itself is douchey, unless of course you’re of the mindset that any and all pranks are chapter one in the D-bag handbook. For me, the douche factor of a prank is in direct correlation to it’s mean-spiritedness, and trust me, I’ve got some crazy ugly mean “pranks” to show you. But first, the prank I deem douche-free:
Hot chick tricked with the funnel prank - Watch more Funny Videos
See? Not so bad. Kinda funny even, unlike the one before it. And just for a better understanding of pranks I deem acceptable, I give you this:
Husband Pranks his Wife - Watch more Pranks
Quite possibly the only time in my life you’ll see me siding with a gun-lovin’ redneck.
But now back to the douches…This next one is in the same family as the first two. The sad part is, this guy was oh-so-close to skipping this list, until, well, watch for yourself and see if you can guess the point where he puts himself on the list:
Magic Trick With A Twist... - Watch more Funny Videos
Did you see it? Yeah, this would have been funny, cute even, right up until he tosses the water in her face. That was simply uncalled for. But again, when you’re dealing with douches there is no such thing as uncalled for.
But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, I present to you a couple of DIT’s (douches in training). Their “pranks” are far too idiotic to run with the big dogs, but they merit a call out nonetheless. First we have Skidmarks:
Guy pulls prank on cute girlfriend - Watch more Funny Videos
And here’s Uncle Ben:
How to wake up your girlfriend - Watch more Funny Videos
Now back to what those last two are soon to become, we have a guy possibly auditioning for the circus:
Girlfriend is not Amused - Watch more Funny Videos
Beat that ass sweetheart! Fucken whoop him with that belt!
This next circus hopeful is apparently paying his girl back for a clearly staged stunt. First the payback:
Guy Gets Revenge on Girlfriend for Headache - Watch more Funny Videos
And now the supposed (fake) reason for it:
Cute Girlfriend Gives Good Head...ache - Watch more Funny Videos
Anyone else find it convenient that there was a camera setup and recording, and that this dude spends 22 seconds reading the back of a Kix box before getting hit. Either he’s mildly retarded, or he was sitting there patiently waiting for something to happen. Your guess is as good as mine.
It seems though, that one time was not enough by way of payback, because he fucken does it again:
Guy Spanks Girl and Shoves Pie in Her Face - Watch more Funny Videos
“Hot Girl Gets Dog Leashed” – I feel that time, as in “too much free” is the douche’s greatest asset, allowing one to conceive a “prank” such as this:
Hot Girl Gets Dog Leashed - Watch more Pranks
It takes a special kind of D-bag to enlist a friend (do douches have friends, or just people who can tolerate them?) in a “prank”.
I hope you’ve noticed that these video’s have been getting gradually worse. I have done this on purpose as I feel it necessary to ease your way into the crème de la crème, or douche de la douche as the case may be. With that, I bring you “Milk Explosion”:
Milk Explosion - Watch more Pranks
Get her back for what? Using poor judgment in selecting a mate? That’ll show ‘er! Sadly, it probably won’t.
This next one would fit in right here in my scale of douche, however, if it’s true that it’s payback for a nutshot, then I think she got off pretty easy:
Sunbathing Chick Gets Ashed By Boyfriend - Watch more Funny Videos
Again, payback for nutshot = not harsh enough, done just because = douche.
With these last four videos I have to share with you I will keep my commentary to a minimum and let the douches speak for themselves. Sadly these are ascending (descending?) until we get to the absolute worst one. First:
Bikini Girl Pancake Prank - Watch more Pranks
That’s right, there are three “pranks” worse than this.
Next:
Boyfriend Pranks Chick With Eyebrow Makeover - Watch more Funny Videos
You love her? I’m sure that lady that drowned her five kids in the bathtub loved them too.
Super Douche runner-up:
Dickhead Pranks His Girlfriend - Watch more Pranks
That last video is titled “Dickhead Pranks His Girlfriend” and how justly titled it is. And yet, that still wasn’t the worst of the bunch.
The honor of Supreme Ultimate Douche goes to this guy:
Girlfriend Nailed with Disgusting Concoction - Watch more Funny Videos
I don’t know if this was staged, meaning, if he actually only threw chocolate on her instead of dog shit, if it was chocolate, he still makes this list, but the Supreme Ultimate Douche honor would go to the dickhead above.
I mean I don’t know what’s more sickening, that guys like this exist, that guys like this are a representation of my gender, nay, my species, that guys like this have vaginas to insert their penises into, that guys like this are not stricken with leprosy and actually have penises, or that guys like this have a place to showcase their douchery.
But you know, I’m gonna go a step further here and assign some of the blame to the victim’s. These episode’s can’t possibly be the first times these women has been douche’s, and yet, they still stuck around…
Whatever, fuck it, I’m pissed, lea’me alone.
- Lenny
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