Eight Years Ago Today…

…unspeakable events took place.

I haven’t forgotten.

Have you?

Site Update 9/11/09

So, if you’re a repeat visitor to this site, you’ll notice that I haven’t posted anything in a week. I can explain…the desktop publishing program I use to write these posts was giving me problems. I probably should have just tried restarting my computer, but I was determined to will it into working. Anyway, it’s working now, so I’ll be write more asinine ramblings soon. As for the Jeopardy Clue of the Day posts, I’ll probably just put all the ones I’ve missed the past few days into one post.

Hearts & Rainbows,
- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for September 4th

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $1200 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category TOUGH CAPITAL CITIES

“A FORMER SOVIET REPUBLIC: CHISINAU”

Answer:

“WHAT IS MOLDOVA?”

Zhe Muzarcountry! For real, there was no way this wasn’t going to be the COTD. Not only was I born in Moldova, but I was born in motherfucken Kishinev!!! Yes, Kishinev. I actually had to google that. Like “what the fuck is up with Jeopardy’s spelling”? But apparently this new “Chisinau” spelling is in vogue now. I’ve never been one to become attached to fads, so I’m sticking with the spelling I’ve known for low these many years.

- Lenny

Lenny Explains…A Sublime Lyric

They were playing a song between periods at the ice rink not too long ago and it got me thinking.

Vitals

Band: Sublime

Album: Sublime

Song: Wrong Way

Lyric:

“A cigarette rests between her lips
but I’m staring at her tits
it’s the wrong way”

Explanation

Bradley makes his best attempts at eye contact, trying to make a deep emotional connection in this superficial/“why are you talking to me” society, but she’s got this thing, this cigarette, resting between her lips. Ick. What a hideously disgusting habit, and it’s hanging right there in his line of sight. It’s just so distracting.

Despite his deepest desire, he can’t keep the eye contact that he so desperately craves. The eye contact that could possibly unite them as one, but it would be rude to look away. And staring up at the ceiling would just be odd. So he does the next best thing…he points his eyes south of the distraction, so that at least he’s still looking at her.

And that my friends is why “it’s the wrong way”.

As is usually the case with most things in life, it’s the woman’s fault.

So there you have it.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for September 3rd

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $400 (video) clue from the Jeopardy round category OMAHA BEACH

“HOURS BEFORE HIS TROOPS STORMED THESE SHORES, HE TOLD THEM “YOU ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON THE GREAT CRUSADE TOWARDS WHICH WE HAVE STRIVEN THESE MANY MONTHS””

Answer:

“WHO IS EISENHOWER?”

Yeah! Fuck yeah! Lets go kill us some nazis!!!

Bonus Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $600 clue from the Jeopardy round category MYTHS & LEGENDS

“OVID COINED THE NAME OF THIS GREEK GOD OF DREAMS AS AN ALLUSION TO THE FORMS SEEN IN DREAMS”

Answer:

“WHAT IS MORPHEUS?”

Morpheus? Morpheus! Oh those wily Wachowskis!

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for September 2nd

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category HOW’S YOUR LATIN?

“LITERALLY “RARE BIRD”, IT’S USED TODAY TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING VERY UNUSUAL”

Answer:

“WHAT IS RARA AVIS ?”

Used today? Used by who? I’ve never heard it used once. What snooty jackass goes around saying “rara avis”? '”My that coat of yours is so rara avis!” “That accent you have is remarkably rara avis.” “It’s so rara avis of you to be showing me your breasts when I haven’t even plied you with alcohol yet.” On second thought, maybe it’s not such a bad phrase.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for September 1st

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Jeopardy round category OTHER PLACES TO GAMBLE

“THIS ILLINOIS TOWN HAS A STATUE OF SUPERMAN AS WELL AS A CASINO”

Answer:

“WHAT IS METROPOLIS?”

There’s a town called Metropolis?!! Does it border Gotham City?? How am I only hearing about this now? I must move there – TODAY!

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 31st

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $1000 clue from the Jeopardy round category ALSO A VEGAS CASINO

“A COUPLE OF OWLS”

Answer:

“WHAT ARE HOOTERS?”

Few things in life take me back like this clue just has…

I once wrote something for 12th grade English class entitled “An Ode to Hooters: A Poem” (though I wasn’t talking about owls or casinos).

Then a year or so later, during my freshman year at CSUN, an MTV crew came to campus and was filming remotes for Loveline. I was filmed reciting my poem for Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew Pinsky, as well as their guest on the night it aired, the musician Poe.

That clip of me on Loveline was selected as a highlight for Talk Soup, hosted by John Henson at the time. (As a sidenote, I did some work in Henson’s house a few years back and recited the poem for him, but he didn’t remember it.)

According to a friend, this same clip was then chosen as one of the year’s best on Talk Soup’s year end blowout show. This last accolade I can’t say that I myself bore witness to, so I shall label it “alleged”.

Everything else I written here is complete truth. Aside from the few and far between locker-room recitations, the poem is, for all intents and purposes, retired.

Bonus Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the Jeopardy round category CHALLENGING THE BARTENDER

“BARKEEP, IF YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF A MOSCOW MULE YOU CAN PROBABLY STILL GUESS THIS IS ITS PRIMARY LIQUOR”

Answer:

“WHAT IS VODKA?”

Ah Vodka, she is a cruel mistress.

- Lenny

From IMDb (8/30/09)

A recent headline from IMDb’s News wire:

Twilight Medic on Call to Help Hyperventilating Fans

From the story:

“Medics are on standby on the set of the Twilight movies, to help fans overcome by the sight of their idols.”

And later:

“We've met many different fans…the hyperventilators, who stop breathing and have to have a medic come…”

What? Why? Give these “fans” exactly what they want. Skip the medics, and just let them die! Darwin people, Darwin! If these people stop breathing out of excitement(?), are they really the kind of people we want as part of our society, breeding, populating the gene pool?
Well, are they?
No!
They are not.
Think about it, they’d be dying in the presence of their “idols”, in essence, dying in pure bliss. It would be the equivalent of me dying between a pair of sweet luscious bosoms (I have several dozen pairs of boobies in mind that I’d gladly die between, email me for names).
- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 29th

Today’s Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $600 clue from the Jeopardy round category OFFICIAL STATE THINGS

“THIS FELINE WITH LONG, POINTED CANINES IS CALIFORNIA’S STATE FOSSIL”

Answer:

“WHAT IS THE SABERTOOTH TIGER?”

I’m sorry, “Official State Fossil”?!?! Really? Why? I mean, I get State Bird, State Flower, that type of shit, but a State Fossil? Where’s it gonna end? Is there an Official State Movie? An Official State Haircut? Official State Bubblegum? Whatever, I call dibs on Official State Asshole.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 28th

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category BOOK REVIEW

“THIS JOYCE NOVEL IS ABOUT A TRIP TO A BATH, FUNERAL, LIBRARY, MATERNITY HOSPITAL & BROTHEL”

Answer:

“WHAT IS ULYSSES?”

I don’t know dick about Ulysses, but that shit sounds like a fucken party! Was The Hangover based on this? At least loosely?

Bonus Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category ROCKS & MINERALS

“KERNITE, A MAJOR SOURCE OF BORAX, IS NAMED FOR KERN COUNTY IN THIS CALIFORNIA DESERT WHERE IT IS MINED”

Answer:

“WHAT IS THE MOJAVE?”

Holy shit, did you just say a major source of Borat?! Niiiiice! No? Borax? With an “x”? Oh. Nevermind.

Bonus Bonus Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category MOVIE STUMPERS

“PEGGY WAS THE REAL NAME OF THIS 1950’s NON-HUMAN CO-STAR OF RONALD REAGAN”

Answer:

“WHO IS BONZO THE CHIMP?”

Talk about progress. From being a mere co-star of a future president to having a son hold that very position. Check out the family album here.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 27th

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the Jeopardy round category LANDS O’ LAKES

“THIS HIGH SOUTH AMERICAN LAKE STRADDLES THE BORDER BETWEEN BOLIVIA & PERU”

Answer:

“WHAT IS LAKE TITICACA?”

Sometimes I go through the entire show unsure of which clue I’ll bestow COTD upon and end having to re-watch. Other times the clouds part and a ray of sunshine beams down, and I just know. Today was an example of the latter. A mere two minutes in and I was giggling like the immature schoolgirl that I am. Three cheers for juvenile humor!

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 26th

My internet was down for the past day and a half. Anyway, here’s Wednesday’s clue…

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Jeopardy round category HELLO, NEWTON

“NEWTON MADE SOME OF HIS GREATEST DISCOVERIES WHILE CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY WAS CLOSED BECAUSE OF THIS IN 1665”

Answer:

“WHAT IS THE PLAGUE?”

The. Plague. The Plague!!! And you thought you had it rough in school. I’m gonna remember this one next time pops is feeling nostalgic about walking 5 miles…barefoot…uphill…in the snow, just to get to school. I’m sorry, did you have to contend with dodging the plague anywhere along your journey? Didn’t think so.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 25th

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Jeopardy round category THEY SHOULD HAVE PLAYED VEGAS

“AARGH! HE STUCK LONG LIT MATCHES UNDER HIS HAT TO FRAME HIS FAMOUS FACIAL HAIR IN FIRE; LET’S BOOK HIM AT TREASURE ISLAND”

Answer:

“WHO IS BLACKBEARD?”

That’s fucken Gangster (yes, with an “e-r”, I’m retro like that)! I mean talk about commitment to a persona – he risked burning his face off to simply look more ominous, so as to strike fear into the hearts of men. But I bet it was never even his intention to be looked upon as a big meany. Sometimes people just can’t get past outward appearances. He was probably just misunderstood. The thing is, there comes a point when you say “fuck it, everyone wants a big bad Blackbeard, well by golly, that’s what I’ll give ‘em! I just wanted to laugh and dance and play, but nooooo, Blackbeard’s mean and scary. Well fine then, I’ll show ‘em mean and scary. Just they wait and see.”

Bonus Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Jeopardy round category TECHNO LUST

“THIS SEARCH SITE’S BROWSER CALLED CHROME HAS AN INCOGNITO MODE FOR ANONYMOUS SURFING”

Answer:

“WHAT IS GOOGLE?”

Dear Jeopardy,

          Why must you be so coy? Don’t beat around the bush (heh heh), you’re not fooling anyone. People know exactly what you mean when you say “anonymous surfing”. Not that Google themselves are any better…“incognito”, yeah sure. They might as well have optimized this particular mode for one-handed browsing. And that incognito icon?! Are you kidding me? I’d rather allow potential access to my farm animal fetish porn browsing history than have to see that creepy-ass pedophile silhouette staring down at me from the upper-left hand corner of my screen.

Sincerely,

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 24th

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $1600 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category THE JOURNEY OF LIFE

“ELLIOT JAQUES COINED THIS TERM FOR WHEN ADULTS REALIZE THEIR TIME WILL RUN OUT (SO BETTER BUY A SPORTS CAR)”

Answer:

“WHAT IS MID-LIFE CRISIS?”

Okay, so I’ve got several issues with this particular clue. First, what if in their 20’s an adult realizes their time will run out, but then they live into their 80’s? It would be a quarter-life crisis, but you’re walking around like a jackass calling it “mid-life”. And that’s the other thing…nobody knows when their gonna die, so how can anyone coin such a time dependant/referential phrase? I know that most people regard mid-life as in a person’s 40’s, but between you and me, I honestly don’t see myself living past my 60’s. Which would mean that since I’m 31, I’m in the midst of my mid-life crisis. Too bad I can’t afford a damn sports car. Guess I’m fucked…wait, what are my other options? Bang a 20 year-old? Same problem as with the sports car, can’t afford one. I also can’t stand ‘em, but that’s neither here nor there. Oh well.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 22nd

Today’s Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $2000 clue from the Jeopardy round category 12-LETTER WORDS

“A WOMAN IN CHARGE OF AN ALL-GIRLS SCHOOL, OR PERHAPS THE TOP LADY IN A HAREM”

Answer:

“WHAT IS A HEADMISTRESS?”

A headmistress…do I even need to bother?

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 21st

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the Jeopardy round category SCINTILLATING SYLLABUS

“AT THE UNIV. OF WISCONSIN YOU CAN TAKE A COURSE ANALYZING THESE DAYTIME TV PROGRAMS”

Answer:

“WHAT ARE SOAP OPERAS?”

Now that my friends is what I call money well spent! I wonder if they offer post-graduate courses on The Price is Right?

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 20th

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $600 clue from the Jeopardy round category POP GOES THE CATEGORY

“HIS RETURN TO BICYCLE RACING TOOK A FALL WHEN HE FELL & WAS INJURED DURING A RACE IN MARCH 2009”

Answer:

“WHO IS LANCE ARMSTRONG?”

Fell on what? His one good testicle!? I think that if you’re walking around with only one nad, you should maybe take a little better care of it. Use a little more caution you know. Maybe don’t go anywhere without wearing the bottom half of a suit of armor. Or at the very least a cast-iron codpiece. Not cram it into a pair of shorts so tight they make an Asian nun’s vagina jealous, only to then be followed by repeatedly bouncing up and down on it in an apparent attempt to rupture it between his taint and a bike seat.

I don’t know, call me crazy.

What’s next? Is he gonna take the stage at a feminist rally and ask “what do you say to a woman with two black eyes”? If you don’t know the punchline to that, email me. I’ll respond right after I, merely as a precaution, slip into my titanium jock (not being facetious here either, I actually have a titanium jock).

Honestly, that motherfucker Lance Armstrong needs to be like Gollum and treat that nut like it’s his precious.

- Lenny

I’m Gonna Make Fun, But Secretly I’m Jealous

You know what, I lied, I’m not gonna make fun. And I am jealous, but it’s no secret.

This is how we do’s it in Van Nuys, Ca, apparently pronounced “vænˈnaɪz” (in what language, pagan?!!).

What’s your stupid city have to brag about?

Eat your heart out Fairfield, Ohio and behold the majesty:

 

My apologies for the poor quality which was due to a combination of being a cameraphone photo and being shot through a filthy dirt-encrusted and bug-splattered windshield.

But still, don’t pretend you don’t want one of these for your car.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August August 19th

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $1200 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category WOMEN IN GOVERNMENT

“AT 42, SHE BECAME ALASKA’S YOUNGEST GOVERNOR; RECENTLY, AT 44, SHE BECAME A GRANDMOTHER”

Answer:

“WHO IS SARAH PALIN?”

Now, far be it for me to question the Jeopardy powers that be, but I feel like the clue is incomplete. Like there are a few words missing from the end, and that it should more like this –

“recently, at 44, she became a grandmother(-fucking imbecile)”.

And also, while her condition wasn’t brought to the national spotlight until recently, I’m fairly certain a case as advanced as hers developed and spread over a  period of several decades. As for why her affliction was left untreated and allowed to enter into these late stages, that is beyond me.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 18th

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $1000 clue from the Jeopardy round category WORLD COINS

“IN 2006 CANADA ISSUED A 25-CENT COIN DEPICTING A PINK RIBBON TO RAISE AWARENESS OF THIS DISEASE”

Answer:

“WHAT IS BREAST CANCER?”

The $200 clue had a coin shaped like a guitar, the $600 clue had a coin shaped like a heart, and the $800 clue was a pop-up coin of the Pope. So the obvious question being – are these coins anatomical? Do they have nipples? Are they hard? Is it because it’s chilly in here?

And what’s the deal with Jeopardy and Breast Cancer? Way to lighten the mood Trebeck!

Why did I leave out mention of the $400? Well, the $400 clue showcased Italy’s trouble with…you know what, fuck it, here:

Bonus Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Jeopardy round category WORLD COINS

“A MAP OF EUROPE ON THIS COUNTRY’S 1997 1,000-LIRE COIN HAD SUCH ERRORS AS DEPICTING DENMARK AS PART OF GERMANY”

Answer:

“WHAT IS ITALY?”

I guess we can add another thing to the list of things I know about Italy – they’re stupid.

- Lenny

Ninja Cheerleaders! Yes, I said Ninja…Cheerleaders!

 

Incredibly Awesome?

Ninjas? Super Crazy Awesome!

Cheerleaders? Yummy Tasty Yes Please!

Ninjas and Cheerleaders? Quite possibly just about the Best Thing Ever!

Okay, so then what about Ninja Cheerleaders? Surprisingly, not so great.

Okay, well then how about Ninja Cheerleader Strippers? HA!

Ha?

Ha I said! More on this later…

So…

I knew nothing of this movie going in. I was merely flipping through the onscreen guide, saw that title, and couldn’t hit the “record” button fast enough. Luckily(?) the movie hadn’t started yet.

What we should have had with Ninja Cheerleaders (not to be confused with Cheerleader Ninjas), actually, let me rephrase that…what I was hoping we would have had with Ninja Cheerleaders, was something on par with the campy tongue in cheek greatness of Rodriguez & Tarantino’s Grindhouse (Planet Terror & Death Proof).

Instead what we have here is a case where the whole is lesser than the sum of it’s parts.

Want to touch the heinie?

Ninja Cheerleaders stars a Real World slut (but which one? There are so many…) by the name of Trishellle Cannatella, who makes my ears bleed when she Yippee-Ki-Yay’s. You hear me? She Yippee. Ki. Yay’s. The blasphemer!

Trishelle plays Courtney. Courtney is supposed be a barely legal Co-Ed. The other two tarts that put the “s” in Cheerleaders (to make it plural, cause there are 3 of them, gosh), April and Monica, are introduced as 18-year-olds. So to account for the clearly-pushing-30 Trishelle in the role, they age Courtney up a bit, making her 19 (A producers job never ends I tells ya! You gotta ABT. Always be tlosing? No silly, you gotta always be thinking.), and by definition, sophisticated and worldly. Thus, her favorite band is the L.A. Philharmonic, in contrast to her fellow ninja Clanmate’s favorites – the Killers and the Strokes.

Speaking of April and Monica, they are played by Ginny Weirick and Maitland McConnell, respectively. April is the no-nonsense worrywart stick in the mud and Monica is the flirty, bubbly dreamer.

I must confess something here. I’ve got a little crush on Maitland, who seems to be the only one of the three leads that understands what movie she’s in and rolls with it. She’s also the only one here with any concept of timing and delivery. Oh, and did I mention, she’s cute as a button to boot, with a smile that’ll make you melt! See for yourselves:

And one more, just because:

Swiss cheese?

There’s the saying, “a plot hole so big you could drive a truck through it”. Ninja Cheerleaders should be so lucky. The holes it suffers from aren’t merely in the plot, but in the very fabric of logic.

The movie opens with the girls in full ninja garb infiltrating an Army Base to steal a ninja sword from the on-base museum. Yes, you read that right, the on-base museum. Again, to clarify, this wasn’t a military museum open to the public, this was a museum…on an Army Base, and presumably strictly for the soldiers. Not a storage warehouse where they’ve hidden away the Ark of the Covenant, but a look-but-don’t-touch museum…that displays ninja swords. Nice to see we’re off to such a strong start.

After they’ve stolen the sword and replaced it with an imposter, they proceed to seemingly take out the entire 1st Infantry Division. Umm, hello, they’re ninjas! They’re supposed to use stealth and cunning to achieve their objective, which was to get the sword! Beating up the Army serves no purpose but to call attention to themselves and let it be known that they were there. They actually sneak up behind the soldiers and initiate the attack! If they needed to do this to get to the sword in the first place, that’s one thing, but do it just to do it? What the fuck is that shit!?!! It’s things like this that make me wonder if writer/director David Presley had ever seen a single ninja movie prior to making Ninja Cheerleaders. For Shame!

After the sword theft, we cut to the girls in their sensei Hiroshi’s dojo. Hiroshi is played by, wait for it…George Takei. Why he’s slumming it here is beyond me. Maybe, like me, he saw that title and believed in his heart of hearts that this was destined for greatness, but instead needed a quadruple bypass upon seeing the final product (see, it came full circle, “quadruple bypass” linked us back to “heart of hearts” – who takes care of you like I do?).

Hiroshi congratulates them on completing their final task of stealing the sword and officially pronounces them ninjas, saying:

“I am proud of you. The sword of our Order has been returned. It has been a long road…and it has taken you many years. Returning the sword was your final test. The Order has accepted you.”

There are oh-so-many problems I have with that mini speech of his…

“It has taken you many years.” Really? Many years? Many, years? They are 18, 18, & 19. How many years did it take them exactly? No wait, let me guess, the three white girls were born into it! Did they start their ninja training in the womb?

And better yet, where is the rest of their Order? Shouldn’t they be surrounding the newest members as they are sworn in? And if there is this whole Order, how come none of them ever went after the sword? But more about the Order a little later on.

So getting the sword back is a big deal, huh? A long, arduous task. One of high risk, but even higher reward, culminating with an acceptance to an ancient and secret fighting clan. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a fucken kickass storyline to me. I guess maybe that’s why I’m never gonna get anywhere in life.

Instead of the indubitable awesomeness that could have been, we’re burdened with a half-thought, convoluted mess of a plot, chock full of contrived scenario after contrived scenario. The basic outline goes like this:

• Three Junior College Cheerleaders train with a sensei to become ninjas
• They’re also studying for finals with the hopes of transferring to an Ivy League school
• In order to be able to afford this new transfer school they make money on the side stripping
• Luckily, there’s a huge dance-off coming up, which if they win, will put their college fund over the top
• Once their college fund is over the top, they can stop stripping, because they’re honorable and only did it for the cash
• Their sensei is kidnapped and they must rescue him while outwitting a nosy cop
• The kidnappers also stole their college money
• The deadline for our cheerleader ninjas to rescue their sensei is the same day as their last final, which also happens to be the same day as the big strip competition
• Spoiler…
• Spoiler…
• Spoiler…
• Spoiler…
• Spoiler…
• Spoiler…
• Spoiler…
• Spoiler…
• Spoiler…
• Spoiler…
• They ace their finals, rescue their sensei, get their money back, and win the competition! Hooray!!

Some of the guffaws in more detail:

Ninja sensei Hiroshi’s dojo should be restricted to members of the Order, as would only be logical. Instead we get as a first time walk-in, Milli, or is it Vanilli, whichever one is still alive, doing his best to channel William Zabka in The Karate Kid while sparring with April. I wonder how this ends?

All three girls are geniuses with perfect gpa’s? Granted, this is at Junior College, but somehow, they all get into Brown. I mean sure, they look smart:

I don’t know, I never went to Brown, but I guess their admission standards are pretty lax. I’ll stick with my State School degree, thank you very much!

Oh, and I guess in this economy, senseiing just ain’t paying the bills, because Hiroshi has to moonlight. Luckily, he was able to find the only other profession imaginable that actually equals the level of pride and nobility one holds as a ninja sensei. Hiroshi’s second job? Club owner of the “STRIP PALACE”.

Which brings us back to what I mentioned earlier about Ninja Cheerleader Strippers. Yep, our “proud” sensei has his star ninja pupil’s “stripping” in his club. See those quotation marks around “stripping”, that’s because they never strip! As April tells it – “I’m not a stripper, I’m a Go Go Dancer”. Except, you know, for the fact that you work at a place called the STRIP PALACE!!!

Another scenario has a handful of Navy Gilligan’s in full regalia attempt gang-rape on our heroines only to get their poopdecks handed to them.

And why does a ninja sensei need a big scary black man for a bouncer? Was this an affirmative action thing? Why not just get another member of the Order to do it? Or one of your students? Or all of your students. Call it a part of their training and you don’t even need to pay them!

Speaking of which, if there’s a whole Order of ninjas, how come only the three newest, and by extension, least experienced members of the Order go out to rescue him? And forget about newest for a minute, how come only three ninjas were dispatched to rescue an abducted sensei? Cause that makes perfect sense.

And while we’re on the subject, how was Hiroshi able to get kidnapped? Did he let it happen as another test for his three ladies, to see if they could actually save him? Or is this a case of “those who can, do, and those who can’t, teach”?

Oh, and do you know who he was kidnapped by? The mafia, naturally. They wouldn’t be doing their due diligence if they hadn’t stuffed this movie with every recognizable caricature they could think of. Including the cop that keeps being outsmarted by three teenagers.

Where did it all go so wrong?

See all of the above, plus…

The production value? I seen better quality on YouTube. Was the cinematographer color blind? Or possibly even blind blind? And my god, the transitions!! Random topless broads caressing a pole, ninjas doing their most ninja-y (ninjaly(?), ninjy(?), ninjary (?)) poses, pom-pom waving cheerleaders or any combination thereof, serve as buffers between scenes. You remember the Simpsons episode where Homer makes a dating video for Ned and every 4 seconds there’s a star wipe? Well, it’s exactly like that, except with ninjas, tits, and pom-poms, but I assure you, it is no less pedestrian.

Also, I’ve known several strippers in my day, er, I mean, I have a friend who’s known several strippers in his day, and not a single one has ever danced under her real name. So when they introduce our titular characters onstage, it’s not as Charity, Aurora, and Magnificent, but as Courtney, April, and Monica. So not only has Presley never seen American Ninja, but he’s also never been to the Titty Twister (2nd Tarantino/Rodriguez shoutout tonight, what am I blowing them?!?!!)? Seriously, this guy has no business coming anywhere near a genre movie, let alone writing and directing one.

Then there was ear bleed moment #2, courtesy of April – “It’s a ninja thing.”

Oh and the pervy cheerleading coach who could have only been more stereotypical if they had made him a her, and a lesbian, and butch.

Oh, and oh! The autistic evil lady ninja working for the mob…always referring to herself in the third person – Kinji! Think an Asian female version of South Park’s Timmy, subtract the wheelchair and you’re not far off.

At this point, I’ve written over 1850 words about Ninja Cheerleaders, when only four were needed – This Movie’s Fucken Lame. But I feel I would be doing all of you a disservice if I didn’t cover one last important aspect. Perhaps even the most important aspect. Titties! I said tit-tays!

An intrinsic part of any movie like Ninja Cheerleaders are bare naked flopping free breasts, nipples and all. I really am dumbfounded that in a movie called Ninja Cheerleaders, where our three protagonists are not only cheerleaders, but strippers as well, we never so much as get side boob from them. This disgusts me. Things like this set genre movies back nine decades. Why not just have them dressed like this the whole time:

As a rule of thumb, tit’s always, always, always, make a movie better. For instance, I love The Goonies, it’s without a doubt one of my absolute favorite movies, but you know what, it would have been exponentially better had Kerri exposed her Greens. So when a movie is essentially built to showcase tits, this rule is especially true.

We had a scene where these three are studying…in bed! In bed? In bed I said! And yet there is nary a tickle nor pillow fight. No truth or dare. No experimentation of any kind. But why the fuck not? I’m sure that slut Trishelle would have gladly dropped her top, as she’s done it before (things haven’t started sagging already, have they?). So are you telling me the other two refused? They were cast in a movie called Ninja Cheerleaders for Pete’s sake! What were they expecting, Shakespeare? But a better question is why cast leads in Ninja Cheerleaders that refuse to disrobe? Please don’t tell me it’s because they were the best ones at the audition…I shudder to think what the rest of the hopefuls were like if these were the cream of the crop.

Not that having the three cheerleaders lezzin’ out would have saved this movie, but that’s all the more reason to have put it in – as penance for forcing us to sit through this schlock.

To be fair, there was a 4-6 second scene with two random topless broads, but this was far too little, too late.

Anyway…

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 17th

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the Jeopardy round category SWEET STUFF

“JOSEF DELAROSE LASCAUX INTRODUCED THIS CONFECTION, AKA SPUN SUGAR, AT HIS DENTAL PRACTICE”

Answer:

“WHAT IS COTTON CANDY?”

Oh sure, you know Josef, he has that brother, Gustav, with the tire shop that invented the spike strip. And I believe they’re related to Helga, a second cousin on their mothers side. Helga, she’s the divorce lawyer who popularized prostitution.

Bonus Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

From the Final Jeopardy round category WORD ORIGINS

“BEFORE ITS USE IN JOURNALISM, IT MEANT A BOUNDARY BEYOND WHICH STRAYING PRISONERS WOULD BE SHOT”

Answer:

“WHAT IS A DEADLINE?”

Maybe I’m being nitpicky here, but wouldn’t it have been easier to simply, oh, I don’t know, put up a fence?

On second thought, simpler yes, but probably nowhere near as entertaining.

- Lenny

True Story

I met a girl.

She made a promise.

A day went by.

I emailed her this:

“Emma”, I've got this short story see, but I can't quite figure out how it
ends.

Here's how it goes:


Boy meets girl at party
Girl jokes that her rump is a moneymaker
Boy makes girl prove it
Girl does
Boy is impressed
Girl takes an immediate liking to boy
Boy makes a random pop culture reference to a 1980's icon of female
empowerment
Girl's face brightens as she claims a love for the aforementioned icon
Boy is pleased with himself
Girl goes on to further admit she dressed as said icon for Halloween a mere
two years hence
Boy is intrigued
Girl had hoped he would be
Boy requests email verification in pictural form
Girl gets her phone
Boy gives her his email address
Girl promises to send photos
Boy leaves party having made a new (yet to be determined)
Girl is sad to see boy leave
Boy's inbox is lonely
Girl...


That's all I got. Any idea what happens next?

- Lenny

This happened a little while ago, but I never heard back from her.

Go figure.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 15th

Today’s show was jam packed with worthy candidates. That’s part of the reason I didn’t get this post up any earlier. I hate that I had to narrow it down to just one, but I think this clue is truly deserving to the honor.

Today’s Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $1200 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category SIX FEET UNDER

“NEW ENGLANDER WHOSE EPITAPH, “I HAD A LOVER’S QUARREL WITH THE WORLD”, IS FROM HIS POEM “THE LESSON FOR TODAY””

Answer:

“WHO IS ROBERT FROST?”

Wow. They had a category in the first round that was all about quotes, the answers being the names of the persons who said them. I gotta say though, this quote - “I had a lover’s quarrel with the world”, blows all of those away. But not only is it a wonderful line, but it is one I can really relate to. Nothing witty, comical, or insightful to say here, just that I can relate to those particular words.

Oh and what the hell, since I didn’t really give you much with that last one…

Bonus Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category “BIG” LOVE

“ROOSEVELTIAN PARTNER OF “SPEAK SOFTLY””

Answer:

“WHAT IS BIG STICK?”

I got yer big stick right ‘ere!

Sorry, I had to. I couldn’t help myself.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 14th

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $600 clue from the Jeopardy round category MOVIES & TV

“OF HIS DIALOGUE, THIS HAN SOLO ACTOR SAID, “YOU CAN TYPE THIS (STUFF), GEORGE, BUT YOU SURE CAN’T SAY IT””

Answer:

“WHO IS HARRISON FORD?”

Oh really Harrison? Big tough guy, huh? But where was all this righteous indignation when Lucas handed you the script for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The miserable steaming pile that turned out to be.

- Lenny

Lenny Vs. A Gift Horse

So last night I met up with my cousin “Glen” and his soon-to-be “Jen” (not their real names), at Islands in Encino. They got there before me, and almost as soon as I sat down “Jen” pulled out her iPhone and started pecking away at it. All the following quotes in this write-up are as close to exact as I could remember, but even in the parts where I paraphrased, the gist is still the same.

“Jen”:

“Oh, here, I wanted to show you something. Hopefully it’s working because I couldn’t get in earlier”

“Glen”:

“What do you want to show him?”

“Jen”:

“His favorite thing.”

Me:

“Big fat tits?”

“Glen”:

“Wow, really? That’s your favorite thing?”

Me:

“That actually surprises you?”

“Jen”:

“Okay, your second favorite thing.”

A look of puzzlement blankets “Glen’s” face.

Me:

“Pumas!”

“Jen”:

“Yep.”

“Glen”:

“So those are your two favorite things? In that order?”

Me:

“Yeah, and my third favorite is tri-tip.”

“Glen”:

“So tits are your number one favorite thing? Interesting.”

Me :

“Actually, I said big fat tits are my favorite thing…But you know what, I take that back, if a girl is offering, I’ll take ‘em any size I can get ‘em. Who am I to look a gift tit in the nipple?”

“Glen” & “Jen” in unison:

“Huh, what?”

Me:

“I won’t look a gift tit in the nipple”.

“Glen”:

“I don’t get it.”

“Jen”:

“Yeah, me neither.”

Me (exasperated):

“You’ve never heard the phrase ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’?!”

“Glen” & “Jen”:

“No. Never.”

I was flabbergasted, astonished, bewildered even.

And right at the moment, as if on cue, our waitress Gemmika (her real name. Though I might not be spelling it right, it’s phonetically correct. Go see her and tip big, she was a sweetheart) came over.

Me:

“Hi, excuse me, I’m sorry, but have you ever heard the phrase ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’?”

Gemmika (somewhat afraid, because apparently that’s the emotion I provoke in good-looking women):

“Umm, no. Sorry.”

My world was spinning off it’s axis! Did I make the phrase up? Did it really not exist? How can nobody have heard of it?

It’s like I was living in some Bizzaro World!

But no! I wasn’t crazy, I knew what I knew. And I knew I was right.

Gemmika was maybe 19, 22 at the oldest, so that’s her excuse.

But “Glen” & “Jen”? “Glen” will be 32 in January. “Jen” will be 30(?) in December. They’ve both had enough years on this earth to pick up this uber-common phrase. There’s no excuse for them.

Gemmika took our order and left.

“Jen”:

“So don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but what does that even mean?”

“Glen”:

“Yeah.”

I began:

“When someone gifts you a horse, as in gives you the gift of a horse, gives you a free horse…”

“Jen”:

“Oh, I thought you said a gifted horse.”

“Glen”:

“Yeah, that’s what I thought you said too.”

Me:

“No, not a gifted horse! This isn’t a horse with a high IQ. This isn’t a horse that got a perfect score on it’s SAT’s. This isn’t a horse that’s a member of Mensa. It’s a gift horse. A gift. Horse.”

“Glen” & “Jen”:

“Oh, okay, so what does it mean?”

I explained it to them much as it is explained here:

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/don't_look_a_gift_horse_in_the_mouth

And here:

http://www.usingenglish.com/reference/idioms/don't+look+a+gift+horse+in+the+mouth.html

This origin of the phrase:

http://www.trivia-library.com/b/origins-of-sayings-dont-look-a-gift-horse-in-the-mouth.htm

…backs up my proclamations to “Glen” & “Jen” that “the phrase has been around for ages!”

“Glen”:

“Okay, so what did you say again about a nipple?”

Do you see what I’m dealing with here folks?

I repeated:

“I won’t look a gift tit in the nipple.”

“Glen” grinned:

“Meaning you’ll take any tit that’s offered to you.”

Me:

“Correct.”

“Jen”:

“See, that makes sense.”

Then “Jen” called her friend to see if the friend had ever heard the phrase. She had.

“Glen” refused to call any of his friends, for fear of looking stupid in front of them. It’s always gotta be a pissing contest with this guy I tell ya.

When Gemmika came back with the appetizers she informed us that she asked her co-worker about it. The co-worker was (thankfully) familiar with the phrase, and had explained it her.

As a quick side note, all the damn waitresses at every Islands I’ve ever been to are crazy attractive. I’ll even go so far as to say that the Islands waitresses put the Hooters girls to shame. Granted Hooters takes the title in the “slut” department, but Islands beats them in the “probably won’t give me syphilis” category, hands down.

So I was proven right by “Jen’s” friend and by Gemmika’s co-worker, though that didn’t stop me from having to answer the question “why a gift horse and not a gift cow”. But despite that, it was good to be me…what can I say, it’s these small victories that get me through each day.

But the real cherry on top…would have been getting Gemmika’s phone number, but we knew before we even began that that was never gonna happen…no, the real cherry on top? I come home and sit down to watch an episode of Royal Pains, during which I’m treated to this bit of dialogue:

“Welcome to the world Jill. In my experience, first rule of charity work – never stare a funding source in the mouth.”

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 13th

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $1000 clue from the Jeopardy round category “BACK” TO SCHOOL

“SECRET DIPLOMATIC NEGOTIATIONS ARE SAID TO GO THROUGH THIS”

Answer:

“WHAT IS THE BACKDOOR?”

That’s it, from this day forth I shall always refer to anal as “Secret Diplomatic Negotiations”! Maybe if I had been calling it “Secret Diplomatic Negotiations” all along, my friend “Yolanda” wouldn’t have felt I was being disrespectful. I shall test out this theory and possibly report back.

Bonus Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the same Jeopardy round category “BACK” TO SCHOOL

“SADDLELESS HORSE RIDING”

Answer:

“WHAT IS BAREBACK?”

Bareback?! Fuck that! I don’t know where she’s been.

But seriously, I think we’ve got ourselves a perv working over at Jeopardy. Or is it just me?

- Lenny

douche’d: Break.com – A Douche Bag’s Guide to Relationships

I hate douche bags. Their antics tend to make it a lot harder for the rest of us guys to touch a boob.

So as public service, when I come across something that smells of vinegar, I will be calling it out here in the pages of APFL in a new column called “douche’d”. Welcome to the first installment.

As a disclaimer, I don’t know how many, if any, of these videos are staged and are done with the girls cooperation. Several of the guys and girls in these look similar, and very well may be the same people, but I didn’t bother looking into usernames, or reading the comments, etc. At any rate, all the videos look like they could be authentic, and even if they’re not, the very fact that these guys think this shit is funny speaks volumes.

But before I get to the heart of it, I’d like to show you what sparked my need to write about these Break.com videos. I’m not sure what brought me to Break this visit, but when I saw “Hot Girl T-Shirt prank”, I naturally had to click on it. This is what I got:

Hot Girl T-Shirt Prank - Watch more Funny Videos

So this particular D-bag thinks it’s funny to dump a tub of water on his girl, and then replay it in slo-mo, cause he thinks he’s just that clever. The worst part is his asinine taunts as she proceeds with the yard work after being drenched.

Break.com has a “related videos” section and thusly, “Hot Girl T-Shirt Prank” brought up other pranks. At that point I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, not only do these “pranks” exist, but there are so many of them.

Granted, some of these are decidedly tamer than the worst of them, but a douche is a douche is a douche is a douche…

This next one is similar to the first, but it’s based on a non douche prank, so I’m putting it up along with it’s inspiration as a matter of comparison. The douche prank:

Hot Chick Pranked By Boyfriend - Watch more Funny Videos

Care to venture what the “D.” in Johnny D. stands for? Her “why” at the end is tragic. Sweetie, nobody knows what motivates a douche, much like cancer, they just are.

And now a video of what this prank was trying to emulate. I don’t feel that this prank in and of itself is douchey, unless of course you’re of the mindset that any and all pranks are chapter one in the D-bag handbook. For me, the douche factor of a prank is in direct correlation to it’s mean-spiritedness, and trust me, I’ve got some crazy ugly mean “pranks” to show you. But first, the prank I deem douche-free:

Hot chick tricked with the funnel prank - Watch more Funny Videos

See? Not so bad. Kinda funny even, unlike the one before it. And just for a better understanding of pranks I deem acceptable, I give you this:

Husband Pranks his Wife - Watch more Pranks

Quite possibly the only time in my life you’ll see me siding with a gun-lovin’ redneck.

But now back to the douches…This next one is in the same family as the first two. The sad part is, this guy was oh-so-close to skipping this list, until, well, watch for yourself and see if you can guess the point where he puts himself on the list:

Magic Trick With A Twist... - Watch more Funny Videos

Did you see it? Yeah, this would have been funny, cute even, right up until he tosses the water in her face. That was simply uncalled for. But again, when you’re dealing with douches there is no such thing as uncalled for.

But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, I present to you a couple of DIT’s (douches in training). Their “pranks” are far too idiotic to run with the big dogs, but they merit a call out nonetheless. First we have Skidmarks:

 
Guy pulls prank on cute girlfriend - Watch more Funny Videos

And here’s Uncle Ben:

How to wake up your girlfriend - Watch more Funny Videos

Now back to what those last two are soon to become, we have a guy possibly auditioning for the circus:

Girlfriend is not Amused - Watch more Funny Videos

Beat that ass sweetheart! Fucken whoop him with that belt!

This next circus hopeful is apparently paying his girl back for a clearly staged stunt. First the payback:

Guy Gets Revenge on Girlfriend for Headache - Watch more Funny Videos

And now the supposed (fake) reason for it:

Cute Girlfriend Gives Good Head...ache - Watch more Funny Videos

Anyone else find it convenient that there was a camera setup and recording, and that this dude spends 22 seconds reading the back of a Kix box before getting hit. Either he’s mildly retarded, or he was sitting there patiently waiting for something to happen. Your guess is as good as mine.

It seems though, that one time was not enough by way of payback, because he fucken does it again:

Guy Spanks Girl and Shoves Pie in Her Face - Watch more Funny Videos

“Hot Girl Gets Dog Leashed” – I feel that time, as in “too much free” is the douche’s greatest asset, allowing one to conceive a “prank” such as this:

Hot Girl Gets Dog Leashed - Watch more Pranks

It takes a special kind of D-bag to enlist a friend (do douches have friends, or just people who can tolerate them?) in a “prank”.

I hope you’ve noticed that these video’s have been getting gradually worse. I have done this on purpose as I feel it necessary to ease your way into the crème de la crème, or douche de la douche as the case may be. With that, I bring you “Milk Explosion”:

Milk Explosion - Watch more Pranks

Get her back for what? Using poor judgment in selecting a mate? That’ll show ‘er! Sadly, it probably won’t.

This next one would fit in right here in my scale of douche, however, if it’s true that it’s payback for a nutshot, then I think she got off pretty easy:

Sunbathing Chick Gets Ashed By Boyfriend - Watch more Funny Videos

Again, payback for nutshot = not harsh enough, done just because = douche.

With these last four videos I have to share with you I will keep my commentary to a minimum and let the douches speak for themselves. Sadly these are ascending (descending?) until we get to the absolute worst one. First:

Bikini Girl Pancake Prank - Watch more Pranks

That’s right, there are three “pranks” worse than this.

Next:

Boyfriend Pranks Chick With Eyebrow Makeover - Watch more Funny Videos

You love her? I’m sure that lady that drowned her five kids in the bathtub loved them too.

Super Douche runner-up:

Dickhead Pranks His Girlfriend - Watch more Pranks

That last video is titled “Dickhead Pranks His Girlfriend” and how justly titled it is. And yet, that still wasn’t the worst of the bunch.

The honor of Supreme Ultimate Douche goes to this guy:

Girlfriend Nailed with Disgusting Concoction - Watch more Funny Videos

I don’t know if this was staged, meaning, if he actually only threw chocolate on her instead of dog shit, if it was chocolate, he still makes this list, but the Supreme Ultimate Douche honor would go to the dickhead above.

I mean I don’t know what’s more sickening, that guys like this exist, that guys like this are a representation of my gender, nay, my species, that guys like this have vaginas to insert their penises into, that guys like this are not stricken with leprosy and actually have penises, or that guys like this have a place to showcase their douchery.

But you know, I’m gonna go a step further here and assign some of the blame to the victim’s. These episode’s can’t possibly be the first times these women has been douche’s, and yet, they still stuck around…

Whatever, fuck it, I’m pissed, lea’me alone.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 12th

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Jeopardy round category WOULD YOU LIKE FLIES WITH THAT?

“edible.com SELLS GROUND BEANS FOR THIS HOT BEVERAGE THAT HAVE BEEN REGURGITATED BY WEASELS, CLEANED & ROASTED”

Answer:

“WHAT IS COFFEE?”

I don’t know about you, but for me, nothing screams edible like regurgitated weasel beans. “WHAT IS IRONY, ALEX?” And who’s the guy that has collect these regurgitated beans? You thought your job sucked? “So how was work today?” “How the fuck do you think it was? I pick through weasel vomit all day long for 72 cents a week! Asshole. Fuck off and die mom!”

But you know what, they roast them, so I take it all back.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 11th

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

For the second day in a row, and only the second time ever, our Clue of the Day comes from our Final Jeopardy round. The category is ON THE MOON

“IT’S THE LAST WORD OF INSCRIPTION ON APOLLO 11’S PLAQUE ON THE MOON & IS ALSO FOUND IN A RELATED QUOTATION”

Answer:

“WHAT IS MANKIND?”

There’s a plaque on the moon??!??!! Is this a thing? Does everybody know about this? And leave it to the United States to play the universal equivalent of a dog marking it’s territory by pissing on the moon (metaphorically speaking) and effectively giving all other interstellar planetary superpowers a way of tracking us. Great thinking Apollo 11 crew! Really, good job, smart move.

- Lenny

Shameless Plug: Redwhale

A buddy of mine is co-owner of the newly launched fashion label Redwhale. Check the site out at http://www.shopredwhale.com. Unlike the amateur hour that is A Penny For Lenny, the Redwhale site and their products are very well made and benefit from a tasteful aesthetic. Their logo alone is clear proof of that.

At launch, their product line is limited to stylish cell phone/pda cases for both men and women, though I expect it to expand in the coming months. I for one can’t wait get my hands on a Redwhale logo shirt. Hook a brother up Dustin!

To keep up to date on all things Redwhale, join their Facebook fan page here: Redwhale Facebook Fan Page. There’s word of free giveaways, but don’t hold me to that.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 10th

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

For the first time, our Clue of the Day comes from our Final Jeopardy round. The category is THE 50 STATES

“AN 1881 RESOLUTION ESTABLISHED THAT THIS STATE’S NAME WAS TO BE SPELLED ONE WAY BUT PRONOUNCED ANOTHER”

Answer:

“WHAT IS ARKANSAS?”

Now, just what kind of a backwards ass hick state do you have to be that you not only make up a pronunciation of a word, but go so far as to make your pretend name official by way of a state act. I mean sure, I pronounce my home state’s name California as “Qxuedronofliru” but you don’t see me lobbying my state legislature to pass a law forcing everyone else to do the same.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 8th

Today’s Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category FILM FISTICUFFS

“YIPPEE-KI-YAY! EX-HOSTAGE BONNIE BEDELIA SMACKS A SMARMY TV REPORTER IN THIS 1988 ACTION FILM”

Answer:

“WHAT IS DIE HARD?”

Alex barely got out “Yippee-Ki” when I was already answering “MOTHERFUCKER! Die Hard, it’s Die Hard”. But then after he read the whole of the question and the camera cut back to the contestants standing there like stumps, all three of them, blank expressions on their faces, and none of them buzzing in…I yelled so damn loud at the screen that it startled the dog. “DIE HARD! DIE. HARD. IT’S DIE HARD DAMMIT!!” But they couldn’t hear me (it was a rerun). Never have I been so disgusted with a Jeopardy contestant as I was with these three. You’re on Jeopardy for Pete’s sake! Have a little class…answer the Die Hard clue. Worthless, the lot of them. Simply worthless. /rant

On a brighter note, I was impressed with the entirety of the SAMURAI WARRIOR category. Both concept and execution were top notch.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 7th

Today’s Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $1200 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category SOUNDS LIKE FUN

“THROW YOUR WEIGHT AROUND PRACTICING THIS MARTIAL ART WHOSE NAME MEANS “GENTLE WAY””

Answer:

“WHAT IS JUDO?”

Dude, talk about the juxtaposition between “Gentle Way” and “Supreme Ultimate Fist”! Plus the fact that you could only really fuck a dude up with a Judo Chop as opposed to making them die from laughter with your Harmonized Breathing.

Bonus Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $1000 clue and Daily Double from the Jeopardy round category THE NET WORKS

“THIS SEARCH SITE WAS NAMED BY IT’S CREATORS FROM A DICTIONARY DEFINITION: “RUDE, UNSOPHISTICATED, UNCOUTH””

Answer:

“WHAT IS LENNY? I’M SORRY, WHO IS LENNY? WHAT IS YAHOO!?”

Sorry, I had to…

And for the first time ever…

Bonus Bonus Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the Jeopardy round category GOOD APPLICATION ESSAY WORDS

“SAY THAT YOU’RE THIS, BUT NOT THAT YOU’RE THIS OVERZEALOUS TYPE OF BEAVER”

Answer:

“WHAT IS EAGER?”

Heh heh, he said Beaver.

- Lenny

Too Much Fun Not to Share a.k.a. The Most Awesome Story Ever Told

Okay, here’s the setup: A friend of mine posted a message on his Facebook page about his son’s super expensive hockey visor that keeps cracking and how the Company, Reebok, refuses to stand behind their product. I’m in black, “Ronald” is in purple, and “Alan” is in lime.

As I do with most fucked up situations, I made light of it. Here’s what I said:

See, the problem with you overprotective types is that you don't seem to understand that scars build character. Plus it'll probably help him get laid when he's older...

"So uh, what happened to your face?"
"Oh, this? I sometimes forget that it's there. I got it playing hockey."
"Take me. Take me now."

And scene!

That apparently struck a chord. First there was a comment about how scars do in fact help one score chicks. And then this:

Leonard!!! I don't know who you are, but your ear for dialogue is pitch perfect. I'd like to see that scene expanded into a feature.

Brilliant? I dare say so.

Yes, brilliant! And I swear I’m not making that up.

This is what followed. I’ve changed names (and put quotes around them), just because most folks don’t like it being publicly known that they know me…

“Ronald”, you are too kind sir. I've already got it all planned out. I see Zac Efron playing “Henry”, or possibly someone a little edgier like Robert Pattinson (either one guarantees a huge opening weekend). The girls (plural, as I see the scene repeating a good 14 times, and yes “Alan”, that number was deliberate) will be played by a string of former Mouseketeer's trying to shed their squeaky clean image. In the end though he realizes that true love has been right in front of him the whole time. It's his best friend, the girl next door who never missed a single one of his games. She will be played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead. It goes on to sweep every category in the Teen Choice Awards and gets the win for best kiss at the MTV Movie Awards. The kiss was between the “Henry” character and the Patrice Lacroix character (the French Canadian exchange student). Patrice is the goalie on “Henry's” team and the kiss comes after Patrice makes a huge save in the closing seconds of the game to win it. See, “Henry” had given up the puck in the neutral zone because he was distracted by his female fans in the stands, which lead to the breakaway. When Patrice made the save and the buzzer sounded, “Henry” was so relieved that his blunder didn't cost his team the game by forcing a sudden death overtime, it was the State Championship afterall, that he plants one on Patrice. But don't worry, it's a facemask on facemask kiss, which audiences across the globe find adorable.

Roll credits...

Insert post credits teaser scene hinting at a sequel...

Or a prequel...I haven't worked all the kinks out yet.

The reference to the number 14 is that it’s “Alan’s” jersey number that he wears as a result of his Man Crush (article coming soon) on Brendan Shanahan.

or

Never have I felt as masculine as while googling the above images. The following one more than made up for that however.

“Alan’s” friend “Ronald” responded with this:

Leonard [that’s Lenny to you all]!! WTF!!! I can tell that the academy award you win for your brilliant picture will not be your first. I am absolutely sure you have a mantle full of them. I wouldn't worry too much about ironing out the kinks. You obviously relate to this project on such an organic level that I am even wondering if a script is necessary. You're so dialed in that I say you just grab a camera and start rolling. I noticed you have not yet cast the part of “Alan”, the over-protective father who likes to complain a lot. If I may, I'd like to suggest Haing S. Ngor, who played Dith Pran in The Killing Fields 25 years ago. I know it's not the obvious choice, but this is “Alan” we are talking about.

Haing:

I went into further detail:

I don't do it for the awards, I do it for the art. And as for the “Alan” role, I was thinking Ed Asner. But after Up, we probably couldn't afford him. So then, talk about not the obvious choice, I was thinking we make “Henry” adopted and have Tyler Perry in a dual role as both “Alan” and “Doris”. This opens up a whole new demographic and thus quadruple's the box office. Oh, and then to pander to the Latin audience we cast Salma Hayek as the Home Ec. teacher who gets a crash course in hockey when she has to take over as head coach when the real head coach accepts the head coaching job at the rival school, in the middle of the season, taking all the assistant coaches with him. We'll have a montage of her watching Slapshot, Youngblood, Mystery, Alaska, The Cutting Edge, Miracle, Just Friends, and The Mighty Ducks movies. She ends up throwing out all the rules by likening hockey to baking a cake..."it just won't taste right without all the right ingredients" etc. For the Asians viewers...Lucy Liu will play a single mom whose son is hiding the fact that he's on the team because she wants him to focus on his studies so he can become a doctor. For the GLBT community, “Henry” comes to the defense of an out but not flamboyant (we try to steer clear of the stereotypes) gay teammate who is being ostracized by the rest of the team because of his orientation. I'm still working on a title though.

Those possible additions to the cast:

 

I went on to say:

Or possibly, now hear me out, Patrice is the gay teammate, whose game winning save wins over the rest of the team and makes him just one of the guys. Plus “Henry's” facemask kiss with him, adds depth to his [“Henry’s”] character because it shows that he doesn't care what people think.

“Ronald” answered thusly:

Leonard, let me start by saying that it is crystal clear that you, my friend, are an artist. That's why you will win all the awards, because you don't pander. While I have to admit my inclination is to just stand back and watch you create, I feel like you are reaching out to me for script notes, so I won't deny you. In the end, art is always a collaborative process.

Let me start by saying I love “Henry's” character arc. At first he is a sissy with a broken mask, both literally and figuratively. Then, when the metaphorical and actual mask is removed he comes into his own and sees things for what they really are. Hockey is a cake with many ingredients and his omnisexual love for the goalie is the frosting.

I feel like you are trying to include every possible ethnic group so that our domestic revenue pales in comparison to our international take. Here are some thoughts to expand on that:

Jackie Chan as the hockey teams trainer and nutritionist.....

“Alan” took offense to something “Ronald” just said:

While you guys are obviously a couple of smart Jew boys who missed their calling of writing for The Larry Sanders Show..... Call my son an omnisexual again and I'm going to have to kick both your asses as much as I love you both!

How I got lumped into the ass kicking “Alan” was about to dish out is beyond me, but that’s white folks for you I suppose.

“Ronald” continued:

He [Jackie Chan] has to keep coming up with inventive ways to hide the tofu in the meals he prepares for the team.

Then I'd like to see any actor with the last name Patel. This should appeal to all those who loved Slumdog Millionaire.

And, of course, Nia Vardalos as the single mom of the gay goalie. She has a heart of gold and is desperately looking for her soulmate, who, it turns out, is right there under her nose in the form of “Henry's” absurdly hairy power skating coach. This should pull in all the romantic saps as well as post menopausal women.

Lastly, I like Rade Serbedzija as the salty, Eastern-European zamboni driver who it turns out was an assistant coach for those great Red Army teams of the 70's. He taught Hayek some old-school training techniques and we can have a montage like the barn scene in Rocky III.

More actors to perhaps round out our cast:

“Alan” felt it necessary to clarify his last comment:

Unless of course he gets to lose his virginity to Miley Cyrus, Miranda Cosgrove or Ashley Tisdale. Then all is forgiven.

This is what that particular trifecta looks like (these will be deleted from my hard drive the moment this post goes live):

How “Alan”, a man in his early 40’s had these three names so readily at his disposal, is really more a question for “Doris”. He’s my friend, who am I to judge? But since we’re talking about it, dude, “Alan” seriously, what the fuck is up with that? I know you’re reading this.

And then “Alan” continues to live vicariously:

or all three in the gang bang scene.

Then “Ronald” explains the meaning behind his earlier comments:

First off, I did not and would never describe the obviously hetero “Henry” as omnisexual. I said he had omnisexual love for the goalie. I just meant that his heart is a big tent with room for everyone. Not unlike Ghandi. So if you have a problem with that, take it up with India.

OH SNAP!!! Is “Alan” ‘bout to throw down with India? Be forewarned, those dudes roll deep. Realllll deep.

“Ronald” sees “Alan’s” newest comment and pounces:

A gang bang? There goes a G or PG-13 out the window. Has there ever been an NC-17 rating for a teen comedy?

But he’s not alone, I jump in on that one as well:

Leave it to “Alan Silverberg” to class the joint up! And while we're at it, maybe Wall-E should have ended with Wall-E inserting his thumb drive into Eve's USB port? Get your mind out of the gutter buddy. The most I'll give you is some above the sweater petting, shot tastefully through some bushes with a telephoto lens.

I guess “Alan” liked that idea:

LOL

Then I get around to answering “Ronald”:

“Ronald”, love the Jackie Chan character. The Patel character will be the yoga instructor that Chan brings on board to help the team with their flexibility.

And actually thinking about it, maybe the goalie isn't the gay one. We of course still have a gay player, but it's not the goalie, the goalie’s straight, but everyone thinks he's gay because of the accent and his name.

And as for Vardalos, I envisioned Patrice living with a host family and his parents still being in Canada, so Vardalos I'm thinking would be in a whole separate movie that parallels this first one, so it wouldn't exactly be a sequel.

Rade's a keeper though, for sure.

Next “Ronald” gets a little nostalgic:

It's strange to think about it now, but the seed that sprouted into this second coming of Audrey II (the plant from Little Hop of Horrors) was “Alan's” cry for help over a hockey visor.

The origins of great art are truly a mystery.

And I get offended:

“Ronald”, for the first time in our brief but magical time together, I am offended. Why am I offended? I am offended that you felt the need to clarify Audrey II for me.

“Ronald” clears up the confusion:

Leonard, please know that the clarification was not for you, but for “Alan”. It is clear your knowledge of movies is vast and deep. But I, myself, had to go to imdb.com to find the name of the plant. So I assumed “Alan” would too. And since he has decided to insert himself into our otherworldly collaboration and throw his weight around making lewd demands, I felt I should make sure we all understand what we were talking about before he suggests that Sasha Grey plays the hockey coach who gets hired after blackmailing the league commissioner into making her coach after an amazing GFE.

And this is Sasha Gray (twas not easy finding a SFW photo):

“Ronald’s” inspired:

Here is my first suggestion for a title - Love Scars.

And “Alan’s” insipid:

I'm just hanging in the shadows waiting for someone to use the term 'MILF'

I call “Alan” out on that one:

You see “Alan”, it's comments like that, and your total lack of professionalism...I was gonna be a peach and help you resurrect your acting career by giving you a line in the film, but with your mind in gutter as it is, I'm afraid I wouldn't want to risk you making my stars uncomfortable.

The line about the acting career? Well, my friend “Alan” was once upon a time ago in a flick called Party Camp, which, mark my words, I will get my hands on a copy of even if it’s the last thing I do. But anyway…

Come on now…who wouldn’t want to go see Love Scars (working title)?!?!???!!

- Lenny