Inside My DVR: Hot Dog…The Movie

STATS

Title: Hot Dog…The Movie

Rated: R

Network: Flix West

Channel: 295

Date Recorded: Monday, July 13, 2009

Airing At: 3:45am

Running Time: 96 min

Guide Summary: “(1984), *, Rivalry among overgrown adolescents at a skiing competition in Squaw Valley, Cal. (Comedy)”

THOUGHTS

Boy they sure don’t make ‘em like this anymore. And I’ll tell you what, it’s a damn shame that they don’t! I mean, look at the fucken poster! Who wouldn’t wanna watch that?

First off, about 11 minutes in, you hear me – 11 minutes in(!), you’ve got not only the first of dozens of sets of tits, but you’ve also got bush! And it’s 80’s bush at that, so it should really count as four bush (bushes?) by today’s standards.

A mere 8 minutes later, we’re treated to a wet t-shirt contest (I use the word “contest” loosely, because when t-shirts are wetted, we’re all winners) hosted by “Lester the Molester” in a redneck bar, with no less than 11 contestants! The t-shirts are summarily discarded and it becomes a Wetitstravaganza^TM backed by the up-tempo Bluegrass styling's of a good ol’ boy band (I told you it was a redneck bar). And just why was this scene necessary? …I’m sorry, who let a feminist into my blog? It was necessary because it was 1984 and that’s the kind of shit that happened back then!

Let just get this out of the way right now, the plotting is pretty terrible and also, the two leads have absolutely no chemistry. Their “acting” is stiff, and their timing is frigid. Each scene they share plays like they just got their lines moments before the cameras rolled.

These leads are:

Patrick Houser, who is quite swoon-worthy, especially during a scene where he channels Keith Carradine circa Nashville with his own “I’m Easy” type guitar seduction. He plays Harkin Banks, a country bumpkin ski phenom from Bonners Ferry, Idaho, “where the men are men, and the sheep are nervous”.

And:

Tracy Smith who plays Sunny. Tracy possesses a natural beauty that was indicative of the era. Sadly, the most we see of her is some (substantial) side boob and a bit of ass. Her line “I ain’t going down on a guy at 65 miles an hour just for a crummy ride” begs the question, at what speed would she go down on a guy for a crummy ride?” Or is it not the speed of the car, but the gender of the driver? Hmm…

But I mean really, this movie has it all (in no particular order):

• That Poster!
• The “Kiss-Ass Blaster” – the ski jump equivalent of the “Triple Lindy”
• A German Victory Song
• A Snowball Ambush
• A rad 80’s soundtrack of “can-do!” themed power ballads
• The ubiquitous “Big Party” and the fabled “Private Tour”
• Storage room shenanigans and their end results
• A ridiculous “Chinese” Downhill free-for-all where our man Harkin is sent skiing into the open door of a building and out the other side, right through a plate glass window to win the race
• The broomball battle that inspired the classic - “we were small, but we were slow”
• And oh yeah, Shannon Tweed!!!

Shannon’s role here as Sylvia is pioneering. Not only does Shannon expose her hefty Tweeds (yay Women’s Lib! I guess feminists aren’t all bad), but also, this is the role that is invariably the grandmother of the current Cougar movement.

And Oh My God the stereotypes! It’s Stereotypes galore! There’s:

• Rudi Garmisch, the Asshole German with a Superiority Complex and yes-man cronies known as the “Rudettes”
• Dan O’Callahan, the washed-up star turned mentor who takes our hero under his wing
• Kendo Yamamoto, “Kamikaze”, the Japanese  national who wears a Rising Sun bandana throughout, doesn’t speak a word of English save for a comedic punch line leading into the films climax, and cracks open peanut shells via karate chop
• Squirrel Murphy, the stoner/druggie ski bum whose best pick-up line is “I suppose a fuck’s out of the question”
• Michelle, “Banana Pants”, the girl member of the crew who’s just one of the guys
• Slasher, the metalhead constantly cranking tunes on high through his headphones

And because no stereotype heavy movie would be complete without, we have:

• The Man, in this case - unethical ski officials

Despite the seeming knocks against it, Hot Dog had some clever and witty dialogue. Some selected favorites:

“You people, stay out of auur way! You may ski on zat side, oarr on zat side, but ztay out of zhe mittle heere!”

“Hey Rudi, you can kiss my ass. Not on this side, not on that side, but right in zhe middle!”

And this:

“I had Sunny zide up, and I had Sunny side down, unt I had Sunny zide all zhe way around.”

And also this, a Cat Fight turned plot-of-a-scene-I-desperately-wish-had-been-included (between Shannon Tweed and Tracy Smith when Sylvia comes across Sunny’s first attempt at skiing):

“I saw you fall. I thought I could stop and give you a few pointers.”

“Yeah, you’ve got a couple, so why don’t you point ‘em that way and crawl out of my sight!”

“Ah, you gotta learn to bend your knees.”

“Get your momma to bend ‘er knees, I don’t have time.”

“That way you could suck up the bumps.”

“Tehehehehe. Ahhh you do know how to do that don’t you?!”

“Here let me give you a hand…I can see why Harkin likes you.”

“Oh I get it, switch hitter. First Harkin and now me. You really are a sicko lady.”

“Maybe you and Harkin and we can all, uh, get together later.”

But lest we forget, this is, above all else a ski movie. Now, I don’t know squat about skiing, but from a laymen’s viewpoint, the ski footage was pretty damn spectacular, especially the Ski Ballet scenes (does anyone still do this?). Something really nice to look at in a movie filled with really nice things to look at.

This movie is great because it’s unapologetic in it’s awesomeness as an R-rated ski comedy, and dammit we need more movies like this. A movie where we can check our brains at the door and just embrace the excess.

The 1980’s - when the movies were bad and we loved them for it.

Now before I go, there is one real gripe I have about this flick and it’s that Vicky, the “Girl in Gondola” played by Victoria Rae Miller, wearing the easy access red sweater, never let’s her Rae Millers out to breathe – did she forget what movie she was in?!

Come on!

- Lenny